Search to peace

Maybe I am being punished because I don’t have faith any more. Am I deserved being called a disbeliever? Faith and hope were switched together for me, and as soon as I lost hope and passion of life, I lost faith too. I feel all lost, lost within people, faces, friends, family, and even my self. Could I be saved? Could I be brought back salvation? It’s so hard, so cruel, and so unbearable to feel you’re completely stranger to familiar things. It seems I’m all blind to see the light, and even I blame my self doing so. I believe I courage my self being lost in the dark endless land of distress. God, how can I be back? You hear my soul crying for deliverance.
Why don’t you call and save me?

Candle in the wind

Shall I accept my failure? Shall I confess breaking into my self? Maybe the time has come. I removed people whom I though would be the enemy and after it was all clear I got that the greatest enemy of mine was my own self. I expected some thing which I could not handle; shall I say I was deceived with my dreams? All my life was and endless effort to be like the people whom I admire and now I came to loose my own self. I saw my fall into my self, such bitter and unforgettable moment it was. And now I’m just trying to ignore the simple truth, ignore what I am; nothing! I do not belong any one, any where, and even my own self. And soon I’ll pass away quietly knowing I could not add an impressive verse as I always wished to, I could not suck out the marrow of life. And I came going out like a candle in the wind.

Deliverance

My heart is all crying for a leader, the survivor to save the world. Maybe then I can gain the peace at least out side my self. My heart cries madly for deliverance. Darkness has overcome me; I am banished to the lands of shadows. It seems as if I’m deprived of light. Dear Lord, if being hopeless and distress is a sin I am a great sinner. All day wondering why it happened to me? How could I loose the salvation track, how could I be lost?
And now I’ve come to my dead end. I feel as if I’m still only on the half way my punishment? How could it happen to me and all I used to be? How could all my colorful dreams and golden hopes be destroyed on the flames of distress? What was my sin? Where did I make the mistake? Where’s the way back to be forgiven by you? Don’t let me down; I need a miracle, a lightening in this dark dark night.

ٌٌMy little prince,where are you?

Where are the bright stars in the immense night sky?Where is the little prince who told me to look up into the sky at nights to hear his laugh?
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you-- only you-- will have stars that can laugh!





My little prince,where are you now?I feel as if I'm lost and alone again in the desert.No well to drink the cold pure water of,no belly to sing the song to me.I can't hold on more to memories. Who did stole my five hundred million little bells,you promised me?How is the flower you are responsible for?
My little prince I miss you,miss you so much.I can't see your star.The mechanical fresh lights of the cruel city has frightened it away.How lonely do I feel now...my little prince come back,TheAfrican desert has swallowed me in.Don't let me be lost more...please come back.

Going back to wonderland

How far I am from my childhood!It seems thousands of years have separated us.Where's the way back returning to that little pessimist romantic girl I used to be?It seemed I could see the world behind a colorful rainbow,and hear the sounds within the soft lovely song of the singing rivers.Head on the clouds,I was walking on the earth with a heart full of joy and softness.Delight brightenig my face,I was listening to the music of the earth.I Could never be sure that sun will rise more than that,as the warm smiles on my face could melt winter icicle.Tale as oldest songs,I was living within a sweet bitter dream. I know I stole my childhood,but heavens how grateful to finally know the gap hurt me during all these years.I was not born to be a realist.I came to whisper ancient colorful rhymes of a sweet life.I shall go back to the world I belong.Just a little more experienced and more appreciated to the home I am kindly given.I shall go back to my wonderland,Little Negin,wait for me,I'm coming.

my God,my tourniquet

What happened to all my prayers?My God, my tourniquet return to me salvation.Some times I shall ask my self how these abstract ideas took place on my mind?Am I deceived by dreams which never come true?God I know I'm not forgotten,I know you care for me,and I feel the safe feeling of being protected and watched by you,but I don't know how to get rid of this confusion.Confusion I myself don't know is about what!How the salvation tastes?What's another birth to be born again?Maybe I shall reconstruct my perspective of life.How my prayers will be answered?How can my deep fears be taken away?My God, my tourniquet return to me salvation.

Raing evening

َThis rainy day of autumn is so beautiful.It tells me my beloved season has come,and the winter is approaching in shadows.The cloudy sky looks immensely azure and the smell and innocence of an autumn evening is so fascinating.How can it be described by humble words?All day the rain was whispering the sweetest songs in the allies.The window is open and I'm intoxicated by the perfume of the golden wet leaves turned into yellow and brown while the wind takes hold of them and dance about.It seems all the ugliness of the world is getting to be hidden,autumn and winter can just bring back the pure untold beauties.

Enough is enough

Here I am,passing the days.Some times I feel such a sad unbroken silence around my self that I can't say or do any thing to shatter it.I just sit still and listen to it. I'm still the very same person I was once,yet changed so much.And finally I can say I'm satisfied by my life.It's really strange for me considering all the long time I was nagging.But I can't ignore the facts,I'm free enough,being distress is enough.Let me celebrate the new season,and the new way of living I've started. Let me celebrate the peace I'm given.I think the time has come to say I am light footed again.That unpleasent experience is enough for me,autemn's come and beauty is every where.This pure beauty is enough to live a good life and enough is enough.

New autemn

The last summer sunset passed queitly.My 21th summer passed by.How many changes happened to me?What new things I learnt?And How will I remember these past days?The past will never be present again.
Finaly autumn came and it's sweet cool perfume is all over my room.My beloved season has come.NowI can see the wonderful colorful trees,shining in the sun.I can taste the great joy of hearing rustling fired leaves,and the echoes of crows on the emptiness of a cloudy day.All are coming back .The midnights when the rain fingers knock on windows,thunders cries,all navy blue sky....All are settling down are here with me.What will this new season bring for me?I shall wait and see.
Now wellcome my splendiferous autemn.

A new chapter in nature

Days are passing,no motion in moving,no tranquility in stillness.yet the sunset reminds the golden taste of autemn.A new chapter in the book of seasons is going to begin.A new stage in nature will be born.Summer is leaving and the joy of wellcoming my beloved season spells some life on my nature.
Many changes happened to me,I've touched many new concepts,ideas,smiles,tears,poems,and feelings.And I feel I'm getting a new person each day.If it is good or bad I don't know.
The only thing which is clear to me is that I'm passing a transit stage on my life.The best thing which I love about my life is that my momments are being filled more with poems.I have to set a journey to explore my self,that's what I'm telling my self for a very long time.I think I have already begun
Let me recite a lovely one,by Sohrab Sepehri:
The Foot Steps Of Water
Life's a pleasant tradition.
Life's wing is as vast as death.
Life's a jump the size of love.
Life's not something,
we put on the mantel of habit
and forget.
Paintings by: Sohrab Sepehri


It does not matter where I am.
The sky is always mine.
Windows, ideas, air, love,
earth, all mine.
Why does it matter if sometimes,
the mushrooms of nostalgia grow?

Let's take off our clothes.
Water is just a foot away.
Let's have a basket and
fill it up with all the greens
and all the reds.

We are not to comprehend;
the secret of roses, but maybe
swimming in the incantation of roses.
Or may be looking for
the song of truth
between the morning glory,
and the century.

searching for the plain truth

It's a long time I had abundant my blog.I did not wanted to say any thing,as I did not want to think about any thing,but I can't help it.Every morning I get up and ask who I really am.Yet, I have no answer for this stubborn question.I know no way to scape,I have to face. Have I lost my self,or I am lost within my self.How can it be recognized and which one is worst?
It's a question every one has to face it in life.And I just wonder how long will it take to come out of darkness and find the truth?
How can we reach the plain truth of our life,our existence,and our world.

Night sky

Another day passed.The same sun was shining,The same sky was looking at me,and nothing had changed.But is life still?Is universe dull?No,there's so much life there,so many miracles happen,so many love be given,and light to be shared.So again shall I still neglect the dark place I am prisoned?No,I can't,as it is totally impossible for me who love light,admire luminicity,adore growth,then how could I make myself so still and blind?It was the unforgiving miskate of my life.
Tonight the sky will be full of shooting stars,100 per hour.The night sky is celebrating bright wonderful magical moments.Yet I shall still regret.I just wish I could taste life.I just wish I could look at the blue immense sky till my last moments of life come.

Am I too lost to be saved?

What's wrong with me?Why Can't I stay happy at least for a day?Why am I so hopeless?Well,maybe because there's nothing to hope for.Heavens!Am I too lost to be saved?
Each night I look at the sky through the window,the silent dark night sky of Tehran's.No bright star,no shining moon.It seems as if the sky is some kind of larger graveyard.How can such imagination be with me?How can the endless land of dreams and inspiration be considered as a graveyard?I'm getting sick No more pretence,I've had enough.
The end has touched me,the bright day of my life is on the last moments of the down.my sunset has come.

Hating myself

It's time to write again.I've had enough tolerance to keep silence,but now I just want to start writing the disheveled writting which comes from my heart.I am sad now,so sad and gloomy,but it does not sooth me saying it at all want to say more,express more,but the humble words are so poor to convey my feelings.The feelings which were kept pure,I dare to say so,because I used to control them so severely,I feel I've done some thing to my self,which will never be approved,some thing which can never be forgiven.I know what I did to my self.I prisoned,banished,and tortured my self by such unbroken loneliness which I kept doing it concisely,I did meant it,but I was wrong.Yet the only power which still approves it stupidly is my pride.Some times I can't help hating myself. All day and night I read,read and read.A chance to change will never be given.And the one who stands against my self.I know,I know I am the great enemy of myself. I just hate myself.

The wipping willow

" Beside the singing river,
There's a whipping willow sitting silently.
It's branches are old and tired.
The dancing eternal memories glowing dimly As forgotten flash lights on his mind:
The dreaming moonlight on his young branches,
The soothing melody of the footsteps of water, Beside his firm warrant roots.
A smile blossom,A love birth under his leaves ceiling.
The splendour song of life in his veils.
And now.....
The fatal coldness of the axe landing on his body."

World of incongruity.

I just wish I could scream.I Can't help feeling it.I'm so gloomy,so much.I feel as if I've lost something very valuable,yet I don't know what it.Whether it is real or a faked unpleasant feeling?I wish I could go,to any where,but do not stay here any more.My time is over.I'm not suitable for this world,this society,and this people.The time to which I belong is gone and my efforts to go back there is useless.It's so hard to feel as if I am out of my real place,as it really is.How tired I am.It's a very cruel world cruel.I touch this bitter fact with any breath I take.
I don't want to be here,in any case,any price.I just wanna leave.This is more than my tolerance,I'm tired,yet so restless.This time is hurting me,I don't belong it.I don't belong to such world,the world of lies,betrayes,and hypocrisy.World of incongruity.

The ultimate hope

I hardly find any thing to say.It seems as if I am helplessly speechless again.
I hate summer,I do hate it.Here seems the sun is intended to burn every living creature,and the sky is so stingy to rain.
I miss autumn,I miss the lonely allies where the leaves rustling echoes sweetly.The crows song,the cloudy sky,and the leaves which seem as if they are painted by a magical brush.Oh! good God,what a perfect vision and how early I miss it.
I just hope to see another colorful,magical autumn.That's the ultimate hope I've still kept.

Changed people

I don't know what's wrong with the people.How changed they are!It seems they know nothing,respect nothing,value nothing just go on living by hate.I am sick by them.It seems others happiness hurt them,the light makes them blind,and darkness soothes them.I don't know what happened.
I can't stay beside them,I don't want to.The purity is gone,just a forgotten word. No one beleves in beauty,kindness,and love.
Love is becoming a business.just for sell,just for trade.And when it fades they take it away.I don't know what they want of life,just living and living.Heavens!All the sweet things are stolen and no one would go and seek for them.

Useless journey

I was on a journey,hoping I could find the peace I was looking.There, for far from the noises of the city,where the rivers,springs,trees,and birds were singing happily,I was seeking for the light.Yet, I found nothing.Maybe I am convicted for the great expectations once I dreamt.Maybe I am sentenced being such distressed.Maybe it is my fate to be alone.I was wrong,reading different concepts did not help me at all,just leading to lose my way.
I see how this crazy world is getting worst day by day.I see how bad people are.I see there is no respect for the humanity any more.Every one is just thinking to himself and no other one."HELP" is a faked word to betray others,and the hearts are converting to stones.Heavens how tired I am.So tired,but I can't rest.For what reason am I being so severely punished?
I found no miracle.Maybe it would happen only once.By the way there is no reason to be hopeful again.All the hopes I had once are dead now.

Missed autumn

It's been a long time since I have not updated my blog.I shall admit that I did not miss it,even I did not feel any nessecity.But now I feel I am more maturedYes I am really.Now I just know that I want one thing.I shall find the peace within myself,so that I could be balanced with the world.
Well that's all my life,I don't know if I am really satisfied with the way I choosed?I don't know.
I miss for autumn.I miss it's long grey afternoons,when wind plays with the golden wandering leaves.I miss for the rain singing in lonley allyes,and the silent sunsets long it seems since they've left me.I miss for the cloudy sky...Weare identical,both alone,as no one can touch them,no one can get them and approach them.We are the same.
I miss autumn,the multicolored of the colors.

Lonliness

Only poetry can sooth me these days.Even music has lost it's power over me,but I can't deny it still.Day after day I get to touch this fact that how isolated I am.I don't care it that much.Even I am happy by that more I fell this deep loneliness,the more I want to keep it.Why loneliness is so undesirable?It's very hard I perfectly know,but...Some times I just can't help feeling it's good!I don't know why.By the way I am used to it,and I will keep it till I get some one who worths abandoning it.Maybe some think me crazy,but I prefer this madness than all intellectualities.

my life....

My nights were as bright as my days,
But...
I don't know what happened.
How Darkness overcame,
Even on my days.

Forgotten missed feeling

I can't describe how sad I am now.It seems as if all the clouds of the world are crying within me.I missed for something which I don't remember what it is.I forgot it,and removed it from my heart and now I miss it.Nothing would break my isolation,days are just passing and I'm just watching it go.I have no hope,and enough stubborn to prefer isolation rather staying with those who don't understand me.What's the share of me in life?I'm a shadow,a faked imitation of a living creature.Who am I really?What am I doing here?I wish these questions could be answered.I'm all confused and hopeless.
What is this forgotten missed feeling?

Where has my heart gone?

Where has my heart gone?Once I wanted to know many things,to live deeply and differently.I prisoned my self in an endless isolation.I did not care any one,I did not trust any one,just what I wanted to be,and now...now that I feel I got what I wanted,this loneliness hurts me more than ever.I did stole my heart and put ice instead of it.How regretful I am now.I lost the peace within me,and day after day,I am more distressed.Where's the way back to life?Where's the way back to hope?Where's the way back to light.I feel I've lost the way as soon as I lost my heart.
I made all that delighting childhood innocence remove from me,to be matured in analyzing and getting to know this world.It was the big mistake of my life was wrong,I was mistaken,but I got it,when it was so late,so late.

Nothing

Well,the time has come for me to confess my intention to stay such hopeless.There is no thing for me in this world.I have no hope,no love,and no motivation.What am I living for?No thing!Maybe I am good at listening to people,helping them,and doing my best to make them feel better,but what have I done to help my own self?The answer is just as before,Nothing.
I don't know WHY I shall continue living in this way.I hate my life.There is no thing for me.Sometimes I just feel as a ghost.What a difference does it makes if I do not stay in this world.I don't think it would be that much unimaginable.People just say they love me,but I don't think they do really.Every one is just thinking to him self,how long shall I still be here,while there is NOTHING for me to go on with.
I'm hopeless,but no one will beleive.
My life is just an empty land.

summer sunsets

Summer nights breeze is very strange.After a hot day,when the evening falls,and the day light fades,I feel there's a strang thing on the air.It's as if a voice is calling me,asking what I did all day long.It seems there's some untold magic on those moments.How can I describe it?How can the joy of seeing swallows flying freely in the immense sky be convayed by the words?
I wish I were them,then I would leave all the burdens on the earth.I wish I could,what a fascinating wish it is.Summer sunsets awake all these feelings in me.

Where's the way back?

I am alive,still breathing,and looking for a reason to fight.The more I think,the less I can say my days are the same,or my feelings have very subtle,but undesired ones.Today I was thinking what if I go on with out any motivation.Is it really possible?
I have seen all hopes faded,all dreams converted to nightmares,and all lies hidden within kind faces of people.There is nothing I can trust,but God.But some times I can't help stop feeling that I'm losing His path,and what will happen then?
I'm lost in despair and confusion.Where is the way back to that peaceful lands of childhood innocence?
Why I left there?Some times I really regret my desire of exploring this world,and my long useless request of searching for the truth.The world of philosophy gave me nothing but confusion and uneasiness.

Faded youth

I don't know what else I can say.Nothing is changed within me,the same days,night,and nightmares.The only change is that I'm getting more unmotivated and sad day by day.There is no way back,and going on this sorrowful days is so painful.No one is close to me,all even the most nearest ones are so distant.No one gets what I say,what I respect and value,what I'm looking for.
That's the greatest shock to see that in the middle of such crowd,no one understands you and those rare ones who can,are so so far.How painful is feeling lonly within people.How hard it is to smile,when you are crying inside.The mask I'm wearing hurts me.
I have no motivation to go on,nothing to fight,and no light to search for.These are the most painful days one can ever have.All I feel is the pity of my faded youth.

Days passing.

Good or bad,days are just passing.Happy or unhappy I'm just getting by.What else can I do?I try new things,but not new people,I go out new places,but still so isolated.I keep this unbroken isolation.Some times I feel so happy when I see how time flys.There are rare things to make me feel alive."Life is not measured the by number of breaths we take, but by moments that take our breath away".
So am I living now?What is the wisdom every one applies me?What does it mean to me?And how is the real wise man?The time of asking such questions is over.No one cares any more and it never makes sense that once upon a time,there were people who lived faithful and sincere.Who were sucking out all the marrow of life,those who were the children of nature and universe and their values and belifes were the real meaning of life.
It's all forgotten now,and also the people who still believe in them are being forgotten too.I will keep believing the things,though no onewould.
It's raining now.I can hear the tunders.I wish it would refresh my heart and soal too.

Faded truth

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."
It was the quotation I came across with it today.I found the meaning so fascinating,but what about me in this case?As I've lost all my motivations,seen all my dreams fading,and all stars falling.I have seen how life can be cruel,and how truth may be converted to great lies.Everything is possible in such world,the beauty and the beast may live together.The shadows have overcomed lights.How can such world be imagined as a fair place while we FIGHT to get PEACE?The values are changed without any care by the rest of the world.Virtue is getting to sound reticules,the purity is old_fashioned.The promised utopia never exists.
How can humen stay here?What's the shape of us?

 

 

wasted life

Days and nights are all spent waiting for a light of happiness and get nothing seems all the joy and delight has left me,and will never be back miss it so much,but can not do any thing are the sweet moments I passed?The nostalgia will be with me all of my life now after such loss,I feel as if it would never be gained again. I'm tired of these people around me,those who never understand me,my feelings,and thoughts wish it could all be removed from me spring day memory is gone,but the shadow is still with me,the shadow which always compare things with it and feel extremely unsatisfied help me,I can't stand living like this. The nightmare is my progressing discuss of life.I feel I wasted all my life.

confusion

Days are just passing.I often listen to music to suppress my thoughts.Days passing,hoping for a miracle,but I'm not just waiting a miracle happen to me,but me happen as a miracle in others life.Is it possible?And how can a person like me,most sad and gloomy help other people?How can I add new things and contribute new meanings to this wonderful universe?
There is an untold pain in my chaste. I can't remove it.It's just as if it's been there for years and never wants to leave it's home land.I don't know what to say and all these long days of my silence I was struggling with depression,nostalgia,and impatience.I know I can't go on like this,being a half alive person pretending a happy hilarious one.I'm so weary of such an old ling show.
What is life in my eyes?An endless confusion,intolerable cruelty and a dream full of nightmares.How can there be any hope,in such society?
Maybe I am so ungrateful of the affluences I am given.I don't wanna be,but I don't know why I feel like this?!Confusion,confusion,confusion,I will never get rid of this fatal confusion.

The bad news

It's almost a week since I have not written any thing here.Maybe it is getting so common saying it was because of my irritability.I don't know maybe it is,but why shall all these things happen?My aunt is ill,it's suspicious to be cancer.Heavens how can I stand such thing while there has always been 2 beloved people in my whole life.My two aunts who has always light up my nature and sprit. And now one is really ill.How can I bear it?How can I tolerate her ill and I healthy?It's all wrong.God,how hard and cruel this world seems.
I had a nice day at book fair,where I bought many books,got them as my very close friends and then when I interred home,happily after a long time,I received such news.
It's so hard,so hard .How can I go on like this?

The end

What a diference did I make in the world?What new things did I contribute?I feel I've done nothing,and that's why I feel so sad.Heavens how gloomy I feel.The very valuable things seem cheap for me.The shining spring out doors makes me more uneasy.It's just I am a complete stranger to the season and it's marvelous days.There is nothing for me.All the passion of life has left me,all the joys are gone,and I am here alone,and intended to be,standing and waching the cruel world passing till my end.End,such nice and sweet word is getting for me.The end of every thing,end of life,end of thoughts,end of this sorrowful unendless moments.There is nothing behind and before.I can't stand all these lies,I can't stand such betrayes,I can't stand such people.I just want to leave them,but why is it so hard for them to understand?

My nights

My nights are getting worse and worse.Their unbroken silence makes me mad,and the restless thoughts on my mind never stop.I'm so worried about my university situation.I have not attended my classes and I've been omitted of them.This is not what I'm allowed to do and I'm getting so worried about it,but this is not what harms me.Day after day I get more tired,and gloomy.It seems that every thing has lost its value for me.I'm losing every thing,and don't care.How hard are these days for me,when I just have to breath,but without any joy or delight of being alive.Maybe I'm acting ungratefully,if so I can't help it.There is nothing in my life worth's fighting for.This great wonderful world seems empty for me.That's not what I can stand.

Cruel spring days

It's been a long time I have not written any thing here.These boring long days brought nothing for me.All the days long,I was wondering why I was born or why I'm still here.What happiness and brightness haveI donated,but found nothing.There was no satisfying answer.This great wonderful world,these pleasant spring days has no pleasure for me,but always remind me my grand mama died in one of them.Cruel days.How can they be in such way?
I feel ashamed of my self too.I'm forgetting her loss,I'm ignoring her absence.Can it be possible?Still I don't want to think about her death.If I go on thinking about it,I will go mad.How can I get used to such thing?

Innocence of a lonly girl

 

Despaired again?

Again I feel bored.Heavens how can one be such changeable?Again I feel nothing.It seems that all the feelings in me is sucked out.What is the use of writing such stuff or passing this endless days?
Summer has come with spring.The hot is burning everyone out doors,and indoors there is nothing.The breeze enters softly through open window,and night is singing silently every where.The silence,and sleeping sense of this midnight is some how very sad.It seems as if the night is whispering another boring useless tomorrow.Nothing is here to fight for,nothing.
Am I despaired again?How long shall I still coninue such long way?

My nature

Maybe I shall believe that despair and sadness in my nature.Yes,I know that when I laugh I forget all the sad feelings I have.Helping others,making them laugh and forget their problems,makes me happy and feel alive again.All these days I got more about my nature.Now I know it is warm,lively,and stubborn,I know I am determined,and have a strong mind.Nature never lets me stay sad for a long time.I know I'm not created for failure,I know it now,but heavens how hard it is to believe some times.I shall keep in mind that life goes on,and I shall accept the way it is.

Nothing worths fighting for

What is the worth of staying alive?What worth's fighting for?Nothing,really nothing.The world is more cruel than I thought.Maybe I shall be like other people,act the very same as them.Lie,decieve,and hate each other.I wish I could,I wish I could lie,I wish I could put aside this stupid soft heartness and could change my nature.Why does it seem so impossible?Why do I still insist being like that?
This cunning world has nothing,but pain and harm.Whatis the use of such long life?21 years,I can't find any... .I'd better stop saying such things.Even these words and sentences are useless.Now I know it,there is nothing worth fighting for.

How can I ignore?

I feel so sad and gloomy again that I feel all the clouds of the world are crying within me.How many different things may happen and to what strange results they may be led to.Day are just the very same as each other,nights boring and cruel.How weary I feel.It seems the happiness is sucked out of me.Why do I feel so again?
I don't know what to say again.All the endless proud lines of words are ended,and I'm left alone by the passionate desire of writting.Heavens help me,how hard is these days for me.I feel I've been acting so selfishly,I can hardly stand here,this society,these people.And worst than all,tolerating such sorrow and pain is being impossible.This heavy burden on my shoulders is getting more and more see no reason to continue,no light in life,no happiness in smiles ugly face of the lies hurt me.How can I ignore them?

Rest

 

On his blindness

After those days feeling not that much bad,I came back to the dark and gloomy mood again.In such moments I can hardly stand those who really disturb me.Heavens, how hard is such task.It is when I ask if there is still hope.I feel as if I am lost in a stormy night at sea.Where is the pharos?Now I'm asking my self how muchI have been helpful?How harmful?I wish I could find a light in my heart to bright up this endless darkness.Shadows have filled my days,I need faith,Lord don't leave me helpless.
"When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless,though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker,and present
My true account,lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labor,light denied"?
I fondly ask Patience,to prevent
That murmur,soon replies,"God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts best
Bear his mild yoke,they serve him best state
Is kindly:thousand at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait"
John Milton