Blankness

Autumn again...
I look at the new face on the mirror as if I want to solve a great mystery with no clue.Who is she?,I ask myself and then I recognize it's me.A girl named Negin.It's so strange believing how mature and grown up I'm getting to be.I've changed a lot,yet I am the very same person.Nowadays I look more at the sky,try more to fly and leave the society I'm living in and more poetry...It's as if I'm in a merry-go-round and just pass days...I wish I could have told how dearly I missed my lost friend,the lost prophet of mine.I'm just trying to say something ,but it seems as if there is nothing to be said...
Life is like a loaf of bread,
In the house of memories,
On the water of the pond.
Red fish’s share That,
Are always in love…
Believe me

Keikavoos Yakideh

Numb

Im just tired and thats all.It seems as if my whole existance is abstracted in thissentence."Im tired."
Tired of every thing,every day life,every day feelings,struggles,and ideas.Where can I find the hidden road to salvation?Every day I get up I hear my soul crying till when I shall cry out for a miracle,for a great lasting change in the right way?
I'm lost whithin my self and there is no sign to find the path once I was walking in so light and secure.God,sometimes I just wonder why I was deprived of that immence grace and how I came to such graduatly,hidden,and yet delibrate change. Fallen of grace,I'm searching a light to show me the way.Who am I really.I'm getting completly stranger with myself.How could I fade away so uncontiously in front of my own eyes? I am complaining alot?Do I deserve blaming myself?

Lies in truth

How dearly I missed writing in my weblog,and how many many thing I have to say.But what can I say coming back after such long time of ignoring my weblog,a place where I used to call it my mental bin,I shall confess I still do! Any way,I'm tired,The wound is opened again and now I just feel so numb,so faithless,and under the pressure of faking someone else,some one happy,some one with purpose and yet I'm not.It's as if what I thought I would be is falling apart right in front of me.Am I safe with myself?
Days are just empty for me,I don't feel alive at all.What I did to myself?Shall I be grieving for the crime?Do I lie?I ask myself to whom I do,and can't find the answer,maybe just to my own self,maybe I'm making a mistake mixing things up.But where is the right way?Where is the salvation.I can't keep going so faithless,useless,and hopeless. There is only poetry left for me to sooth myself,the truth in my lies,makes me see all the things I built is lying in waist.I promised myself immense sky,and then ...It's funny still I don't know what I've done to myself.Now I am surrendering myself with secrets and regrets..I can't bearing anyone else around me.I tell myself I need rest and peace,but it's not the cure to heal the wound.Is there really anything to heal it?Seems as if nothing can,time,crowd,making myself busy,distracting myself with books or movies and even music...it's all useless.I'm telling myself a lie I don't know what it is...Its hard to go on like this.This truth in my lies is out of control,but I cant take it anymore,I need to find out something I don't know what it is.My life is getting more and more an unsolved paradox.

The lands of the shadows..

"They came,they suffered,they died."

I read it today and I just felt it's true,but i didn't like it...I would prefer it saying:"They came,they lived,they died."And this would be the most complicated,yet simple fact of life,of,living,and dying... As one day we'll all die and be forgotten as a shadow once was wondering desperately on the earth.We forget and be forgotten and life is nothing but a long dream of a reality that does not exist.And death sobers us,makes us understand.
Death..Such strange word it is,such a strange world!What's in life?What shall we look for?What's our purpose?
God!!!!again the cosmic questions have overcame me,and to write it,I just try to get them out my head.But I can't help the fascination how appalling death seems to me.Nights when I put my head on my pillow and start dreaming...I just wish there would not be another day to swallow me in.I need the peace,I need the silence,I need the darkness.

scent of death in spring

Here I am back again...I don't really know what made me return to the blog I had once aboundened delibratly.And I don't want to explore it,I just hate exploring simple things. Let the light secrets of mind and soul exist.So what a better place than living in small unexplored facts and motivations in life.Any way,,,such a strang,lonesome,and cloudy day it was this evening.It was as if the sky is the reflection of eternal lonliness of human and then I felt afraid.The idea of destruction and instablity of all human achievemnts crossed my mind creuly and I thought"what if human and all it's dlourious acheivements in art,culture and sceince is condemned to decadence.What if one day human being would be extincted?". And the idea made me shiver.I've always smelt a scence of death in spring,never get to know why.What a walking contradiction the human is,he scapes the suffocating isulation of lonliness heading to immortality,and then runs away the chaos of immortality to lonliness.How tired I am.Such an immortal silence has surronded me!It's as if I'm left alone in a strange soceity of people where I know no word to comminucate.My greatest dread is to be swallowed by the everyday life's habbits and be an avarage person.But I've tasted the cost of being diffrent and still I go on my way.Oh solititude,stay with me there's only you.Oh solititude I can't stay away from you.

Seeing by the heart

Such long long lomg time is since I have abandoned this blog. I had neither mood, nor energy to come and write some thing. A year passed by quickly. Another quiet year left me and spring came again. Again spring filed the naked branches of trees with the green leaves of delight and soon with the ripe fruits of summer joy.
I went on my other spring trip…For me Traveling is moving my body to other places hoping to move and change my soul a little. But could I ever achieve this goal? Honestly no! I had always ignored the fact that a constant change must be internal. As I had always wanted a change and never tried it, maybe I was not that much brave. Changes always happen when they are supposed to happen and I'm getting I can never have any control on them. That's some how so scaring…any way I'm trying to avoid thinking about them again, it's dreadful.

On my spring journey I got to know that beauty is always beauty, no matter it is spring or winter, no matter if it is young or old. Beauty is an ever lasting spell, always enchanting. So once again I repeat with my dear little prince that:" One must see by the heart, not the eye."

Search to peace

Maybe I am being punished because I don’t have faith any more. Am I deserved being called a disbeliever? Faith and hope were switched together for me, and as soon as I lost hope and passion of life, I lost faith too. I feel all lost, lost within people, faces, friends, family, and even my self. Could I be saved? Could I be brought back salvation? It’s so hard, so cruel, and so unbearable to feel you’re completely stranger to familiar things. It seems I’m all blind to see the light, and even I blame my self doing so. I believe I courage my self being lost in the dark endless land of distress. God, how can I be back? You hear my soul crying for deliverance.
Why don’t you call and save me?

Candle in the wind

Shall I accept my failure? Shall I confess breaking into my self? Maybe the time has come. I removed people whom I though would be the enemy and after it was all clear I got that the greatest enemy of mine was my own self. I expected some thing which I could not handle; shall I say I was deceived with my dreams? All my life was and endless effort to be like the people whom I admire and now I came to loose my own self. I saw my fall into my self, such bitter and unforgettable moment it was. And now I’m just trying to ignore the simple truth, ignore what I am; nothing! I do not belong any one, any where, and even my own self. And soon I’ll pass away quietly knowing I could not add an impressive verse as I always wished to, I could not suck out the marrow of life. And I came going out like a candle in the wind.

Deliverance

My heart is all crying for a leader, the survivor to save the world. Maybe then I can gain the peace at least out side my self. My heart cries madly for deliverance. Darkness has overcome me; I am banished to the lands of shadows. It seems as if I’m deprived of light. Dear Lord, if being hopeless and distress is a sin I am a great sinner. All day wondering why it happened to me? How could I loose the salvation track, how could I be lost?
And now I’ve come to my dead end. I feel as if I’m still only on the half way my punishment? How could it happen to me and all I used to be? How could all my colorful dreams and golden hopes be destroyed on the flames of distress? What was my sin? Where did I make the mistake? Where’s the way back to be forgiven by you? Don’t let me down; I need a miracle, a lightening in this dark dark night.

ٌٌMy little prince,where are you?

Where are the bright stars in the immense night sky?Where is the little prince who told me to look up into the sky at nights to hear his laugh?
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you-- only you-- will have stars that can laugh!





My little prince,where are you now?I feel as if I'm lost and alone again in the desert.No well to drink the cold pure water of,no belly to sing the song to me.I can't hold on more to memories. Who did stole my five hundred million little bells,you promised me?How is the flower you are responsible for?
My little prince I miss you,miss you so much.I can't see your star.The mechanical fresh lights of the cruel city has frightened it away.How lonely do I feel now...my little prince come back,TheAfrican desert has swallowed me in.Don't let me be lost more...please come back.

Going back to wonderland

How far I am from my childhood!It seems thousands of years have separated us.Where's the way back returning to that little pessimist romantic girl I used to be?It seemed I could see the world behind a colorful rainbow,and hear the sounds within the soft lovely song of the singing rivers.Head on the clouds,I was walking on the earth with a heart full of joy and softness.Delight brightenig my face,I was listening to the music of the earth.I Could never be sure that sun will rise more than that,as the warm smiles on my face could melt winter icicle.Tale as oldest songs,I was living within a sweet bitter dream. I know I stole my childhood,but heavens how grateful to finally know the gap hurt me during all these years.I was not born to be a realist.I came to whisper ancient colorful rhymes of a sweet life.I shall go back to the world I belong.Just a little more experienced and more appreciated to the home I am kindly given.I shall go back to my wonderland,Little Negin,wait for me,I'm coming.

my God,my tourniquet

What happened to all my prayers?My God, my tourniquet return to me salvation.Some times I shall ask my self how these abstract ideas took place on my mind?Am I deceived by dreams which never come true?God I know I'm not forgotten,I know you care for me,and I feel the safe feeling of being protected and watched by you,but I don't know how to get rid of this confusion.Confusion I myself don't know is about what!How the salvation tastes?What's another birth to be born again?Maybe I shall reconstruct my perspective of life.How my prayers will be answered?How can my deep fears be taken away?My God, my tourniquet return to me salvation.

Raing evening

َThis rainy day of autumn is so beautiful.It tells me my beloved season has come,and the winter is approaching in shadows.The cloudy sky looks immensely azure and the smell and innocence of an autumn evening is so fascinating.How can it be described by humble words?All day the rain was whispering the sweetest songs in the allies.The window is open and I'm intoxicated by the perfume of the golden wet leaves turned into yellow and brown while the wind takes hold of them and dance about.It seems all the ugliness of the world is getting to be hidden,autumn and winter can just bring back the pure untold beauties.

Enough is enough

Here I am,passing the days.Some times I feel such a sad unbroken silence around my self that I can't say or do any thing to shatter it.I just sit still and listen to it. I'm still the very same person I was once,yet changed so much.And finally I can say I'm satisfied by my life.It's really strange for me considering all the long time I was nagging.But I can't ignore the facts,I'm free enough,being distress is enough.Let me celebrate the new season,and the new way of living I've started. Let me celebrate the peace I'm given.I think the time has come to say I am light footed again.That unpleasent experience is enough for me,autemn's come and beauty is every where.This pure beauty is enough to live a good life and enough is enough.

New autemn

The last summer sunset passed queitly.My 21th summer passed by.How many changes happened to me?What new things I learnt?And How will I remember these past days?The past will never be present again.
Finaly autumn came and it's sweet cool perfume is all over my room.My beloved season has come.NowI can see the wonderful colorful trees,shining in the sun.I can taste the great joy of hearing rustling fired leaves,and the echoes of crows on the emptiness of a cloudy day.All are coming back .The midnights when the rain fingers knock on windows,thunders cries,all navy blue sky....All are settling down are here with me.What will this new season bring for me?I shall wait and see.
Now wellcome my splendiferous autemn.

A new chapter in nature

Days are passing,no motion in moving,no tranquility in stillness.yet the sunset reminds the golden taste of autemn.A new chapter in the book of seasons is going to begin.A new stage in nature will be born.Summer is leaving and the joy of wellcoming my beloved season spells some life on my nature.
Many changes happened to me,I've touched many new concepts,ideas,smiles,tears,poems,and feelings.And I feel I'm getting a new person each day.If it is good or bad I don't know.
The only thing which is clear to me is that I'm passing a transit stage on my life.The best thing which I love about my life is that my momments are being filled more with poems.I have to set a journey to explore my self,that's what I'm telling my self for a very long time.I think I have already begun
Let me recite a lovely one,by Sohrab Sepehri:
The Foot Steps Of Water
Life's a pleasant tradition.
Life's wing is as vast as death.
Life's a jump the size of love.
Life's not something,
we put on the mantel of habit
and forget.
Paintings by: Sohrab Sepehri


It does not matter where I am.
The sky is always mine.
Windows, ideas, air, love,
earth, all mine.
Why does it matter if sometimes,
the mushrooms of nostalgia grow?

Let's take off our clothes.
Water is just a foot away.
Let's have a basket and
fill it up with all the greens
and all the reds.

We are not to comprehend;
the secret of roses, but maybe
swimming in the incantation of roses.
Or may be looking for
the song of truth
between the morning glory,
and the century.

searching for the plain truth

It's a long time I had abundant my blog.I did not wanted to say any thing,as I did not want to think about any thing,but I can't help it.Every morning I get up and ask who I really am.Yet, I have no answer for this stubborn question.I know no way to scape,I have to face. Have I lost my self,or I am lost within my self.How can it be recognized and which one is worst?
It's a question every one has to face it in life.And I just wonder how long will it take to come out of darkness and find the truth?
How can we reach the plain truth of our life,our existence,and our world.

Night sky

Another day passed.The same sun was shining,The same sky was looking at me,and nothing had changed.But is life still?Is universe dull?No,there's so much life there,so many miracles happen,so many love be given,and light to be shared.So again shall I still neglect the dark place I am prisoned?No,I can't,as it is totally impossible for me who love light,admire luminicity,adore growth,then how could I make myself so still and blind?It was the unforgiving miskate of my life.
Tonight the sky will be full of shooting stars,100 per hour.The night sky is celebrating bright wonderful magical moments.Yet I shall still regret.I just wish I could taste life.I just wish I could look at the blue immense sky till my last moments of life come.