Our life

Well,I Don't really really know what to say,and it's very strange,because each day teaches me some thing new and meaningful,each day brings me suveniurs from experience and ideas.So what's the cause of it?There are so many things happening,then why I don't find any thing to write about?Touching the univese as it is,is some thing very hard,because it requires returning to the real nature of our own,and Who is able and willed to do so?Truly there are not much people,and the number is decreasing day after day.It's the life we choosed,to be apart of nature and our own true self.Days are just like nightmares and the nights seem an endless darkness.

Bored of life

There are many feelings in me,which can't be expressed anyway.I don't know what is inside of me which both frightens and attracted me of being 21.I've lost all my words,all my questions or ideas,it's as if I'm in a cut,and can't get out of it.Feelig to be in a vacuum,I find nothing to regret for or worry about. time is passing,but it seems for me that my world is dead and frozen,the winter is rife.What happened to me,to that endless passionate of living,those endless questions,the hope of being useful?I don't know the answer,I just observe the changes happening in me every day.There is something I can't believe,and even I don't know what it is,I just feel it with my whole soul.Who and where am I?In limbo?In peace?Am I lost?I have not still know the way I'm in.An endless hesitaion harms me,and the bad sense of distress.I'm bored of life,but the life is never boring,then God,what's wrong with me?

Still winter

I feel much more better now a days,but by the time passing,I see that I can't predict my mood any way so cold that it seems the winter never wants to leave. I think I'm a little missed for spring and the warm sun touching my face and the cool breeze ,but still enjoy the dark blue,cloudy sky,and the dead branch of trees belive winter has a spell for it's own self,which can not be easily known and defend against know I'm still beating around the bush without having some thing to say ,I just count the days till I get 21.I don't know why I'm looking after it so much,but it's a very important thing in everyone's life years being in here,in this world,being one part of this universe is very strange and confusing,I wish my life were worthy enough,and I were a good person.

The coldness of winter

So I passed another day,the first Sunday of Bahman left us,soon the last one will leave us.How quikly we get old!It's as if it was only week a go,and now.... .I don't know what to say tonight.All the worlds and ideas have left me,and I stayed here without knowing what to do.That's a very strange feeling that with so many words,expressions and things that want to be said,I feel like that.My final exams will end soon,and I'll take a rest for a while.
I have nothing to say,the winter is everywhere,I feel it's existance so much,it's coldness and emptiness harms me when I hear my foot steps' echoes on the quiet allies,those which I used to pass every day,those who have observed me from all these years,now seem strange to me ,those kind trees whose cool shadows soothed me during the hot summer seem to be in a deep sleep and forgot the girl who used to admire their beautities.I love to repeat:
They'll ignore your greeting
Amid this depressing weather
Doors are shut
Heads on chests
Hands hidden,
Hopes are cruelly cut.

Trees are but
Crystalline skeletons,
The sky's moved closer;
The land is devoid of life,
Dimmed are the sun and the moon
Winter is rife.

The begining of a lovely mounth

The first day of Bahman began,with dreaming snow showers,and the cold wind touching every one's face,repeating the Winter's message. Now I'm spending the most dear mounth of the year of me,because this month will makes me one year older,it would be the 21th snow which I'll enjoy.21 years living here,in this world,with all it's good and bad points.You know it is somehow very dreadful,makes me confused and think again, another attempt to find out who I am and what's my destination,where am I heading,in which direction,which way ,if it's the true one I'm in or not?I don't know,but I know that I'll enter the 21th anniversary with so many experiences,and now I'm more matured now.
It is very starnage,21 years old...Very strange,maybe others wont find it so strange,but it is for me.I am 21!I can't believe it,I don't know why.
By the way It was a very nice day,although I was happy the whole day,but now I'm a little gloomy,I know that I will be alright soon,as the old things which were dear to me once has lost all their values and are being forgotten there will remain nothing of them,but a very old memory,this is what's happening in me,it's like a revenge,but being or not I'm enjoining it, leaveing it alone,saing good bye to that old things which were worthy for me once,some times I'll remember them ,but never with nostalgia.

Friday night

How time flys!I can't believe that another week ended quietly and another page of another week is opening.What is left for me from the past week?What is the souvenir of the coming weeks?What did I learn,and what I contributed to the world and the others?These questions never leave me alone,and consist passionately of me to find an answer to them.I wish I were good enough to help someone,make it happy,make a smile,or feel better I were managed to do so,atleast for one single person,then I belive I had a very good one. I hope I would be a good person and could add a meaning to the world.As I belive everyone contribuets some meaning to the world,but the important point is that we add a good and beneficial one,who donates love and happiness,(look who is saing so?I'm sad most of the times!!!).
By the way I hope to pass this following week by joy and success.

A boring day

I always hated Thursday nights,I don't know why seems that the dark cruel night will never end,and the sun will never come.That every thing seems empty and cold.iT'S useless to describe how the slow seconds suffer me,and makes me unincredibily bored ,about anything even life, even now that I'm writhing this text as a duty I appointed myself.
I don't know what cause this soothing feeling that after writhing them I feel as if I've removed some unknown and mysterious potion which was in my body,flowing in my vessels,whiten my blood.By the way it seems that it's useless this time,so I will end it right here.

Finding another way.

It seems that all difficulties has left me as soon as I decided to be my own self and stop wishing to be HAllaj or Shariati.Hallaj's story drive me so fascinated and amazed that I forgot my own self and tried to be like him.He was a great Gnostic of Iran who claimed as he was God,and it's a great sin for such pretending.People could not understand him,as they used to see by the eye,not the heart.He was God,but not the way people thought,he was because he had became one part of him and lost all the existence as Hussein mansour hallaj,and all the bad points of human and had became all God.I don't know how to convey my meaning,because this is something bigger than words,and imagination.It must be touched and tasted.Themore love gets stronger,the more lover would lose all his being and becomes the sweetheart's.It is what happens in east,and it's the most noble and true kind of love,and Hallaj reached the highest step of it.They had asked him what love is and he answered:"That's what you will see today,tomorrow and the day after tomorrow".He was hung that day,the next day burnt ,and on the third the ashes were gone with the wind that was his definition of Love by him very great and thankful lesson by him,left for those who wish to see differently,not as the public.I belive those who were to say so,did not know about how great God is.
So,I believe that I could not help myself stop loving and admiring him the way no I feel to be him in my own way,and learn what he wanted to teach us,take his massage and shair it with everyone who wishes to know and understand more.I wish to be successful in the way I choosed.

The world inside of us.

Today I spent all the evening out walking started to think about people again,and my temptation to know what's in their mind.I think why about these things is that maybe because I want to know my own self as it's said to know your own self to know the universe.from all these years I was trying to be someone else,those whom I love and respect much,but now I became to know that I love them ,because they were their own self not anyone else.They were unique because they acted as their nature was,they acted their true self .Now that I came to this pinot,I need to go back and discover who I was or stay and work out who I am.I think every single person has asked that who it is and what is the reason of being here,living in this world.What is their answer?Have they found the way they are in,and find out if it's the true one?Being what we truely are is the most difficult thing one can ever do,the unknown,mysterious,and fascinating world inside of people call them to return and start exploring there wish we would be good explorer who are ready for traveling in wonderland.

The effects of an author

I feel much more better tonight,but still gloomy and think of Sadegh Hedayat.I can't really understand him,I can't get why he was so cruel to his characters,maybe he felt that life is cruel to him,and it's the way it goes more I think about him,the less I get the reason of his mood,thoughts and philosophy he choosed for his life I need to appreciate him,because he gave me another vision to look at the world and consider things know the strange thing about him is that After sometime the meanings cameinto my mind and I can't stop myself thinking about the book,and trying to understand the author.Sometimes I wish I coud know him better,that he were alive and I could have a better knowledge about him.His influence and great power on me is unbelievable reading his stories,they come to ur mind and never leave you again one part of your thoughts,and ideas is how a great author can be known.

Seeking the true way

O me!O life!Of the questions of
these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless,
Of cities filled with the foolish,....
What good amid these,O me,O life?
Answer
That you are here_That life exists and identity
That the powerful play goes on,and you may contribute a verse.

I think this is what I need to remind myself there is always hope,and I shall just keep it,but it's so hard difficult especially when I find nothing to fight for or be alive with I can't find any fire to warm me,any light to follow,any hope to continue the way my life is a struggle between happiness and despair,between hope and discouragement don't know which side will win,or what is the true way for me.Unanswered questions in my mind....I just hope and seek a suitable answer for them,maybe it helps me to put this burden off my shoulders.

the winter

There is something changed in my life.Something has left it and I can never bring it back again.I don't know what it was,but I can only say that it was the only motive of my life.It was the all source of light and energy in me. what shall I do now?I could not sit and do nothing ,so I got up and started an useless search don't know what happened to me.After that the value of the most dear things for me began to lose,the meaning of everything began to be forgotten,happiness became an obscure shadow of old days.
Now,I'm here and alone in the darkness with no hope or goal,have an everyday life,which once was my great panic in life.
Your greetings they'll ignore.
With their heads resting on their chests,
They seek warmth from their breasts,
None affords to lift a head to greet the guests.

Vision is limited,
The road's dark and slick.
Your extended friendly hand is refused,
Not because they are confused;
They rather keep their hands where they are warmed.
It is frightfully cold. Do not be alarmed.

Observe your breath,
Leaving the warmth of your breast;
Turns into a dark cloud
Before it rests
On the wall before your chest.

If your breath is this unkind,
What is amiss; if
Distant and near friends,
Were to keep you out of mind?

the end of my world

After being so hopeful,so energetic,and so happy,suddenly. I have this feeling that I've reached to the end of the world I'm on the end of my journey to discover universe and life. now I see that all my efforts where useless,all my belifes which I established are collapsing.I was not on the right way I, not on the way of paradise,but the hell..Here is the end of all things land of fire and ice,darkness and lonliness.There is nothing to fight for,no motivation,no light,no hope can't find suitable words,when I want to speak,it's to express a passionate wish that I had never been born and taste life feel I'm condemned to destruction and living.
dear God what does my life mean?Now adays I come to believe nothing,but a funny story.

The questions in my mind.

As I walk in the wet streets,pass people without any special interest,I can't help myself thinking there is something which makes me out of public.I don't wanna say that I'm special or I'm different or unique,but it's because I can't know them, can't get what is in their mind,their life.What is in their everyday life which frightens me?Why I can't be close to them?An unbroken glass cielling always separates me from the rest of poeple.But I also wanna know what's their story?It always harms me that I don't know the value of people whom I pass without care.I can't appreciate those who had made world a better place to live,and often ask mself what are the barriers which make people so far and isolated from eachother by feelings?
Maybe I want to know them better so that I can know my own self ,or understand their stories to discover my own.I don't know!But the only thing that I can be sure of is that these questions never leave me alone,always follow me and yeild at me to try to find an answer for them:
I went to the woods because I wished to live delibertely.
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.
To put to rout all that was not life
And not,when I came to die,discpver that I had not lived.

A snowy day.

It was snowing today,dark blue sky,wet golden leaves which autumn forgot to make them fall,and the soft snow covering everything and making them pure and beautiful,all are my best vision of winter.What's the magic of snow,this white and virgin girl of immence sky?The untold and sweet spell of it.I started to remember this poem as it was snowing:
I walked abroad in a snowy day;
I asked the soft snow with me to play ;
She played and melted in all her prime,
And the winter called it a dreadful crime.
The snow sitting on pine trees,and their everlasted green hands,makes me an untold joy and delight in heart.Snow falling makes me as if angels are flying and dancing,remembering us that there is still goodness and purity in the world,there is still light and hope,and we just need to see it by heart,not the eye.

Why we're alone?

I always wonder what makes people feel lonely?What makes them stay alone?If it's destiny,I can't agree.I can't think that human is so humble against it that can not even find a friend,or escape of the black and humid prison of lonliness.Destiny is not such a bad enemy to make you people stay alone else?The person,it self?No,far from it.Every one is looking for a friend,or atleast something to share the feelings with.No one never ever choose to be isolated what is it?I can't think of anything more don't know,I myself prefer to be alone than staying with someone whom I can't stand.
but as I believe there is a great power left left within human to overcome the obstacles,then why they can't throw away loneliness?How is the way of defeating it?Which way is true?What's the true way?I don't know,and who dares to say that he/she knows?I belive it's everyone's question questioning is not enough,we need to find an answer.

the need of friendship

After passing the paths of limbo,and straggling with pains and sorrows,finally I feel improved feel I can breath again,taste water,and touch the warm hands of sun on my face I don't really know why sometimes I got so sad and alone.An untold feeling makes me feel more unkown and then...I can't describe it as if the bright world goes dark,and empty,and all valuable things seem worthless,and all smiles seem cruel.
But why,now that I'm much more better I want to talk about the sad moments I'd passed?Who can answer this question?Or who can explain the intolerable feeling of being unknown,each human wants and needs to be known,that a kind,cuddling,and familiar reflection knows and touches your soul ,that's why every one is looking for a friend,someone who can understand you and helps you carry the heavy burden of living here.Poeple need people,beauties need to be worshiped and known,and be admired.The beauty left inside the human needs a mirror to reflect it's fascinating shape.A friend,a really good and true one is the same,we need it to correct our self and our world.

Finding the value of happiness.

And another week passed feel much more better now,although I finished reading"blind owl".It made me upset at first,then I wondered why a person,genius and educated like Hedayat shall must think so?Why was he so sad and upset with life?I can't get him,and I dare to say that I can never ever agree with him belive life goes on with it's own happiness and sadness,but it's wrong to just see and think about dark and bad points of it is the most valuable gift ever given to human,and it's the most great,passionate,and joyful song ever composen.Each human is a note,a lonely not is no song,so we most be together and try to make a good one belive our duty is to contribute a versa to the universe and people.

The day before weekend.

Thanks Lord to help me pass another day,and leave another week behind my self feel much happier today,it's somehow strange,but as I always believe that God is with me I find it nice to recover and go back to life again,after passing a dark time.You know if there was not darkness,then who would admire and know the value of luminosity if there was all day then who would understand the painful absence of sun in the dark,cruel night?As I believe we live in the world of contradictions to find out the truth of life by the clues have given us,I find it necessary to think about the value of things,and quest for the simple truth of life.what do you think it is?"freedom,culture,faith,and love".what else could it be?Searching for the most true fact of our creation,seeking for the real philposophy of things around us,and other things,all express there is only one path to one person"God".
So thanks alot my dear,kind,lovely,God.and please help me in the way I choosed,the way of you I wish.

So another day began!

It was a cold,nice sunny,day and I was walking under the sleeping trees,the birds were greatful of another bright day,and singing their best song.
I love winter and autumn,because it's when I can hear the music of the earth ,admire the colorful umbrella of the leaves of the trees upon us,and their waiting look paraing for spring in winter.
I was so sad last night,I felt everything is cold and black was as if all the happiness in me had gone and toleraiting it's empty place was seemed so hard I am much more better,thanks God.And so another day of my life passed quickly,and now I feel more peace and happiness.
ok,let me tell more about my class at university,we were supoosed to do a project about Camembert Iranian writers I did half of it at class!That was really cute!

The first day

It seems that I'm writting for no one,but my own self,or at least my shadow who is always with me,always follows me,and I think it is my only friend and enemy.I don't want to write for anyone,as I know there are not many poeple who wish to read the writings of an isolated young girl,fed up with every one and every thing and always always repeats"There are sores which slowly erode the mind in solitude like a kind of canker.".
I started thinking when I was a young child.my parents divorce helped me to experience new things,suffer pains,and explore undiscovered lands of lonliness.ya it was too soon for a young child around 8 or 9.I grow up alone,with no smile of a kind warm face,no blandishment of a soothing hand.yes there was noone there to make my days bright,but only one great one;God.He was always with me,never left me alone,and His presence was enough for me.