Blankness

Autumn again...
I look at the new face on the mirror as if I want to solve a great mystery with no clue.Who is she?,I ask myself and then I recognize it's me.A girl named Negin.It's so strange believing how mature and grown up I'm getting to be.I've changed a lot,yet I am the very same person.Nowadays I look more at the sky,try more to fly and leave the society I'm living in and more poetry...It's as if I'm in a merry-go-round and just pass days...I wish I could have told how dearly I missed my lost friend,the lost prophet of mine.I'm just trying to say something ,but it seems as if there is nothing to be said...
Life is like a loaf of bread,
In the house of memories,
On the water of the pond.
Red fish’s share That,
Are always in love…
Believe me

Keikavoos Yakideh

Numb

Im just tired and thats all.It seems as if my whole existance is abstracted in thissentence."Im tired."
Tired of every thing,every day life,every day feelings,struggles,and ideas.Where can I find the hidden road to salvation?Every day I get up I hear my soul crying till when I shall cry out for a miracle,for a great lasting change in the right way?
I'm lost whithin my self and there is no sign to find the path once I was walking in so light and secure.God,sometimes I just wonder why I was deprived of that immence grace and how I came to such graduatly,hidden,and yet delibrate change. Fallen of grace,I'm searching a light to show me the way.Who am I really.I'm getting completly stranger with myself.How could I fade away so uncontiously in front of my own eyes? I am complaining alot?Do I deserve blaming myself?

Lies in truth

How dearly I missed writing in my weblog,and how many many thing I have to say.But what can I say coming back after such long time of ignoring my weblog,a place where I used to call it my mental bin,I shall confess I still do! Any way,I'm tired,The wound is opened again and now I just feel so numb,so faithless,and under the pressure of faking someone else,some one happy,some one with purpose and yet I'm not.It's as if what I thought I would be is falling apart right in front of me.Am I safe with myself?
Days are just empty for me,I don't feel alive at all.What I did to myself?Shall I be grieving for the crime?Do I lie?I ask myself to whom I do,and can't find the answer,maybe just to my own self,maybe I'm making a mistake mixing things up.But where is the right way?Where is the salvation.I can't keep going so faithless,useless,and hopeless. There is only poetry left for me to sooth myself,the truth in my lies,makes me see all the things I built is lying in waist.I promised myself immense sky,and then ...It's funny still I don't know what I've done to myself.Now I am surrendering myself with secrets and regrets..I can't bearing anyone else around me.I tell myself I need rest and peace,but it's not the cure to heal the wound.Is there really anything to heal it?Seems as if nothing can,time,crowd,making myself busy,distracting myself with books or movies and even music...it's all useless.I'm telling myself a lie I don't know what it is...Its hard to go on like this.This truth in my lies is out of control,but I cant take it anymore,I need to find out something I don't know what it is.My life is getting more and more an unsolved paradox.

The lands of the shadows..

"They came,they suffered,they died."

I read it today and I just felt it's true,but i didn't like it...I would prefer it saying:"They came,they lived,they died."And this would be the most complicated,yet simple fact of life,of,living,and dying... As one day we'll all die and be forgotten as a shadow once was wondering desperately on the earth.We forget and be forgotten and life is nothing but a long dream of a reality that does not exist.And death sobers us,makes us understand.
Death..Such strange word it is,such a strange world!What's in life?What shall we look for?What's our purpose?
God!!!!again the cosmic questions have overcame me,and to write it,I just try to get them out my head.But I can't help the fascination how appalling death seems to me.Nights when I put my head on my pillow and start dreaming...I just wish there would not be another day to swallow me in.I need the peace,I need the silence,I need the darkness.

scent of death in spring

Here I am back again...I don't really know what made me return to the blog I had once aboundened delibratly.And I don't want to explore it,I just hate exploring simple things. Let the light secrets of mind and soul exist.So what a better place than living in small unexplored facts and motivations in life.Any way,,,such a strang,lonesome,and cloudy day it was this evening.It was as if the sky is the reflection of eternal lonliness of human and then I felt afraid.The idea of destruction and instablity of all human achievemnts crossed my mind creuly and I thought"what if human and all it's dlourious acheivements in art,culture and sceince is condemned to decadence.What if one day human being would be extincted?". And the idea made me shiver.I've always smelt a scence of death in spring,never get to know why.What a walking contradiction the human is,he scapes the suffocating isulation of lonliness heading to immortality,and then runs away the chaos of immortality to lonliness.How tired I am.Such an immortal silence has surronded me!It's as if I'm left alone in a strange soceity of people where I know no word to comminucate.My greatest dread is to be swallowed by the everyday life's habbits and be an avarage person.But I've tasted the cost of being diffrent and still I go on my way.Oh solititude,stay with me there's only you.Oh solititude I can't stay away from you.

Seeing by the heart

Such long long lomg time is since I have abandoned this blog. I had neither mood, nor energy to come and write some thing. A year passed by quickly. Another quiet year left me and spring came again. Again spring filed the naked branches of trees with the green leaves of delight and soon with the ripe fruits of summer joy.
I went on my other spring trip…For me Traveling is moving my body to other places hoping to move and change my soul a little. But could I ever achieve this goal? Honestly no! I had always ignored the fact that a constant change must be internal. As I had always wanted a change and never tried it, maybe I was not that much brave. Changes always happen when they are supposed to happen and I'm getting I can never have any control on them. That's some how so scaring…any way I'm trying to avoid thinking about them again, it's dreadful.

On my spring journey I got to know that beauty is always beauty, no matter it is spring or winter, no matter if it is young or old. Beauty is an ever lasting spell, always enchanting. So once again I repeat with my dear little prince that:" One must see by the heart, not the eye."