Lies in truth

How dearly I missed writing in my weblog,and how many many thing I have to say.But what can I say coming back after such long time of ignoring my weblog,a place where I used to call it my mental bin,I shall confess I still do! Any way,I'm tired,The wound is opened again and now I just feel so numb,so faithless,and under the pressure of faking someone else,some one happy,some one with purpose and yet I'm not.It's as if what I thought I would be is falling apart right in front of me.Am I safe with myself?
Days are just empty for me,I don't feel alive at all.What I did to myself?Shall I be grieving for the crime?Do I lie?I ask myself to whom I do,and can't find the answer,maybe just to my own self,maybe I'm making a mistake mixing things up.But where is the right way?Where is the salvation.I can't keep going so faithless,useless,and hopeless. There is only poetry left for me to sooth myself,the truth in my lies,makes me see all the things I built is lying in waist.I promised myself immense sky,and then ...It's funny still I don't know what I've done to myself.Now I am surrendering myself with secrets and regrets..I can't bearing anyone else around me.I tell myself I need rest and peace,but it's not the cure to heal the wound.Is there really anything to heal it?Seems as if nothing can,time,crowd,making myself busy,distracting myself with books or movies and even music...it's all useless.I'm telling myself a lie I don't know what it is...Its hard to go on like this.This truth in my lies is out of control,but I cant take it anymore,I need to find out something I don't know what it is.My life is getting more and more an unsolved paradox.