Innocence of a lonly girl

 

Despaired again?

Again I feel bored.Heavens how can one be such changeable?Again I feel nothing.It seems that all the feelings in me is sucked out.What is the use of writing such stuff or passing this endless days?
Summer has come with spring.The hot is burning everyone out doors,and indoors there is nothing.The breeze enters softly through open window,and night is singing silently every where.The silence,and sleeping sense of this midnight is some how very sad.It seems as if the night is whispering another boring useless tomorrow.Nothing is here to fight for,nothing.
Am I despaired again?How long shall I still coninue such long way?

My nature

Maybe I shall believe that despair and sadness in my nature.Yes,I know that when I laugh I forget all the sad feelings I have.Helping others,making them laugh and forget their problems,makes me happy and feel alive again.All these days I got more about my nature.Now I know it is warm,lively,and stubborn,I know I am determined,and have a strong mind.Nature never lets me stay sad for a long time.I know I'm not created for failure,I know it now,but heavens how hard it is to believe some times.I shall keep in mind that life goes on,and I shall accept the way it is.

Nothing worths fighting for

What is the worth of staying alive?What worth's fighting for?Nothing,really nothing.The world is more cruel than I thought.Maybe I shall be like other people,act the very same as them.Lie,decieve,and hate each other.I wish I could,I wish I could lie,I wish I could put aside this stupid soft heartness and could change my nature.Why does it seem so impossible?Why do I still insist being like that?
This cunning world has nothing,but pain and harm.Whatis the use of such long life?21 years,I can't find any... .I'd better stop saying such things.Even these words and sentences are useless.Now I know it,there is nothing worth fighting for.

How can I ignore?

I feel so sad and gloomy again that I feel all the clouds of the world are crying within me.How many different things may happen and to what strange results they may be led to.Day are just the very same as each other,nights boring and cruel.How weary I feel.It seems the happiness is sucked out of me.Why do I feel so again?
I don't know what to say again.All the endless proud lines of words are ended,and I'm left alone by the passionate desire of writting.Heavens help me,how hard is these days for me.I feel I've been acting so selfishly,I can hardly stand here,this society,these people.And worst than all,tolerating such sorrow and pain is being impossible.This heavy burden on my shoulders is getting more and more see no reason to continue,no light in life,no happiness in smiles ugly face of the lies hurt me.How can I ignore them?

Rest

 

On his blindness

After those days feeling not that much bad,I came back to the dark and gloomy mood again.In such moments I can hardly stand those who really disturb me.Heavens, how hard is such task.It is when I ask if there is still hope.I feel as if I am lost in a stormy night at sea.Where is the pharos?Now I'm asking my self how muchI have been helpful?How harmful?I wish I could find a light in my heart to bright up this endless darkness.Shadows have filled my days,I need faith,Lord don't leave me helpless.
"When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless,though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker,and present
My true account,lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labor,light denied"?
I fondly ask Patience,to prevent
That murmur,soon replies,"God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts best
Bear his mild yoke,they serve him best state
Is kindly:thousand at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait"
John Milton

The dream we are dreaming

Life,the dream we are dreaming,with crying and laughing is going on.Never stops by sorrows and pain,never is interrupted by immense happiness and great delight.That's us who have to adapt ourselves with its way.How hard it seems sometimes.The very dark moments that one may feel all lights in the world are put off and night will remain forever.That the universe would be lost in darkness and how hard is then to belive hope.
I know life never gives us enough opportunity to follow what we want.Our choices in life which may happen will lead us to very different ways. That's why I feel life is very strange and complicated.How easily it can be influenced,and I chosed the way which is rather abandoned and I am going on. "I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere agesand ages hence:
Two roads diverged a wood,and I...
I took the one less traveled by
, And that has made all the differences.
"Robert Frost"

"Go on,go on"

Who really knows what is laid before us?Finally I decided to fight for things are not worthy to fight .Now it seems that my fingers are tired and my mind is as empty as a white page. All the endless words are ran out,and all the conversations seems to be ended.I bored again,and these long sunny days bring me nothing,but fatigue and irritability.Out doors spring visits it's graceful kingdom and in door I feel as if I will be burried between the walls.By the way I love my room,even if it makes me sad and gloomy.
I wish the sky would be more generous,I wish it could rain,and wash away all dust of earth.I wish the river had not left the city,and the bird's songs were happier.
But the world will never be as it used to be.My grandmam's funeral,on a fair spring day,while every thing was happy by freshness given to the sleepy old world will never leave me.All the weeks passing it,has not made me recover of the shock and fear of her absence.I shall go on,but every and each step makes me untold pain.Every one tells me to be strong,and I know my power is being challenged."Go on,Go on",they tell me and never think of how painful is hearing such thing when one's heart is filled with sorrow.

Maybe I have to fight

Maybe I'm surrendering.I find nothing worthy enough to fight for.There are few things still I have not lost my intrest with.Maybe it's time for me now to challenge this situation and I think I will.I will fight to find some thing worthy enogh to fight.I will stand up again,and continue my way.Yes I will.It's very enough to sit and cry for one who is gone now.She left here,while I am still.So a new day of trying will come again.It is time to come back to the light.Let the rain comes down and wash away my tears.Let it sooth my soal,let it brings me a bright sun of hope.I shall remove such sorrow,yes there is always a tomorrow for me till I am alive.I know I will feel sad and unhappy again,I will be dispaired and discoureged,but I shall not fear.How hard is making yourself being hopeful.

Just want to leave

How sad and gloomy I feel again.It seems that nothing can sooth me,or the darkness has overcomed the light of hope inside of me.How sad one can feel,I never knew the strength of such feelings.The pain of my grandma's loose is killing me.I must not believe her death,otherwise I will go mad.I need such lie,but how long shall I go on like that that all my interests have died out by her.That my life is getting darker and gloomy.I just want to leave here,but the tragedy is that feeling so makes me more dependent.How life seems cruel to me.How alone I am standing now.By the way this is the way I choosed.wants,I don't care it any more.God,how could such thing happen?How could my grandmam leave me?Even the very familiar things have changed for me.I want to leave.

Children

Another day just left so soon.Those slow seconds that seemed will last forever has gone now.That's the roll of this world,nothing will last forever.Yes I know it perfectly,I have touched it with all my senses.Each day is full of happiness and sorrows,each day is full of birthdays and funerals.Yes that's how life goes on.
This fantastic universe is full of mysteries,and beside beauties,there are wickedness.I feel I am in a better mood today.That's because I passed some of it by children,as inoccent as angels.And hearing the sweet sound of their laughing,I could not help feeling that there is hope still.I know very well that sometimes it is rather impossible to belive it.
When I see a child laughing,I remind that God is there with us,and that there is light and delight in life.Children are gifts by god.
But what happens that by growing a child will loose all the purity of soal and join others in being bad?

People

I don't know what to say again.It seems that all the feelings in me getting more and more to confuse me.I just scape thinking about my grand mam.All the days I think about many things,but avoide this one.Crying,running,weeping can not sooth me anymore.Nothing can sooths me,here I am alone with my pains and sadness.
People's behaviour and their faults harms me more.I don't want to approach them,I don't want to touch their world,and all I want is to leave them and their world and set up to some where there would be no lie,no treat,no sign of such people.How strong is this passion,on me?How passionatly I feel to this temptation.I really wish I could leave here,and as a freind told me,if I could stop to stop living,I would do it without any moment of hesitation.What is the use of being here?Live in such cruel world,among such people,live an everyday life,as the days are just the same.Nothing even the spring would renew them.What values do they respect in life?I can't think of any REAL one.

Loosing by winning

Today as I was thinking about Nietzsche and his philosophy.Today I was really thinking he was right,and I could not pass being a Superman.But then,I saw the trees were so calm and happy when they felt sun on their faces,the birds who were singing their best songs were lightening every one's heart by delight.The world was sleepy by the warm afternoon sun,and every quiet thing was enjoying all the freshness the world has regained.Then I thought how could all these pure beauties be useless?How could they be created meaningless?It does really seems impossible and vicious.I know perfectly that some times this world acts so cruelly that one might hate and try to show it as rubbish,but it has it's own happiness and sadness.Every thing may happen,and all we shall do is to be strong,but how?
As people are so bad and liar?As they are all thinking about their own selves and this great universe is nothing for them,but a place to live as worst as they can,do as they want.There would be no respect,no value,no truth.Always I wonder how they can go on like that?These people are very strange to meand how hurt I am by them.
It seems as if I've lost all my interests and hobbies I had before.It seems that there would be nothing making me really laugh,nothing really lights up my heart with joy and happiness.There is nothing for me to fight for,to continue with,to stand beside.I lost when I won.

Lonliness

  

Let me stop

I find no word,my feelings too wild and powerful.It seems that nothing would go as it was before.How can i belive she's gone?How could I left her?I see life goes on,I see death is part of a life,but I always thought it as an abstract idea,I had never never belived how... .I find nothing to say,these feelings can't be expressed.
I wish i could go,to leave,and start a new journey.People are the same,the dear ones you love are always far from you.Why this world is so cruel to us?There is nothing on my mind,let me stop then.I wish I could stop everything.

My grand mam's death.

A spring day,trees were wearing blossom of cheries,the sky,blue and cloudy was fascinating,the cool breeze was wondering around happily,and in such perfect day,my grand mama died.I can't belive it,I can't,I can't.Each and every moment I expect her appear at the door of my room,smiling.Still I feel she is downstairs,still I feel she's alive,so how could I leave her at the graveyard alone and cold?Is she really dead?
I've lived with her since I was 8 years olds,and all these 13 years are full of days being with her.When I go to bed,I hear her calling me and cry at myself she can't be dead.Is it a part of a nightmare?Is it a bad dream?What is it?How can such sorrow and grief be felt?I don't know what to say,when I remind her lonely grave.She saved my life,she made what I am now,and changed my life.I stand alone again,no one is with me,but dear God.My Lord help her.She left usin such beautiful fresh spring day,when the birds where singing happily and I was crying bitterly.
I always used to think about death as an abstract meaning,but today I saw it with my eyes.God,please stay with me,stay with me,I'm scared.I feel so lonely and cold that none of the warmest fires can bring me out of the kingdom of coldness.My grand mam is dead,I feel one of the bases in me has fallen,and all me is collapsing.
Something so kind and so warm has left me.Spring days will always remind me the day I lost her,the day she left me,the day life showed off it's other side by my grand mam's death.

What has gone?

It seems that all the senses of happiness is sucked out of me.Darkness will kill me,Heavens how hard and suffering is standing such situation!It seems the end for me,as all the doors are closed to me,but the end of what?Nothing has changed in my life,every day things are the very similar as were before,unless me reading some new books,and being exposed some new panoramic this change so big I shall call it a change which makes me feel so sad?Of course not,so what is it?I don't know evil unknown feelings crawls slowly towards me.Snears at all my efforts,all my studies,and destroys all the valuable things I felt so respect for before just don't know how far I can go on like this.Always always I wonder what is lost for me that all my hopes and wishes are gone with it.

Lomliness of the moon

  

Lost in distress

Clouds in the sky,how sad I feel.How gloomy things seem to me.It seems that everything is covered by a layer of darkness,all the sweet and near things to me have left me alone.How can such grife and sadness be expressed?I don't know what shall I do,how can it be removed?
Tomorrow is the same as now,and yesterday.I shall break it,I shall change it.I don't know what to do,as I have lost all my sense of right and wrong,every things seems a great mistake to me,all smiles are to hide the bitter tears.Happiness is becoming a lie to hide sadness,every thing is just a pretext just to continue living.Nothing is real,nothing is pure,nothing is holy.I'm loosing faith,which will leaves me to death.Heavens I can't stand here,I can't stand what I am,what others are,all the lies,and treacheries.This crazy world just goes round and round,I see nothing to fight for,there is nothing for me to continue living.How could this depression grow up in me?Why an ordinary life can not satisfy me?Why I feel so despaired,while there is no serious problem on my every day life?I am gifted any thing can make another girl feel happy,but why not me?
Miracle,God,please do something I stop forgetting this word,don't let me believe truth is a lie.I am lost in the lands of distress.

My debt

I don't know is it good or bad,but I can't stand owing someone.I can't bear it and Want to recompense it,and now that a friend I feel such great debt is so sad and needs help,how can I stand doing nothing?When the spring days bright outside,I wish people,specially my friends enjoy it as their hearts are filled with happiness and lit up by joy.My freinds,those who has added new meanings,exposed me with new ideas,horizons and lands.God helps me recompense such immense debt,otherwise I will be mad.I can't stand being owed to anyone my best friend.