Still hesitated

Still I am thinking about my plan,and still I could not reach a firm decisio.I really can't stand the situation of not knowing what to do and what to think.The feeling is horrible,awesome,and annoying for me.The year is coming to it's end,I shall make my decision before the year ends,but how?I really need the change and if I do what is on my mind,I'm not sure if I could go on like that or not.I don't know whether I could tolerate my new way or not,hesitation,hesitation,hesitation.I don't know when I would be released of this suffering shadow,I'm so troubled by all these feelings and need to change,but I don't know how!!!Doesn't it seem ridiculous?I don't know,I feel gloomy and confused,and this makes me so sad,why shall I always struggle with such contradicted feelings?I'm getting so tired of this endless dilemma,I need peace,but how can I gain it?How can I find the joy of life?Sometimes I really wonder whether I am really alive or not.That old pleasing passion of life has left me,how can I bring it back?How sad I feel now.I shall change,I know,I believe,but how?All these questions,never leave me,they are becoming one part of me,but WHY?